Wicked Witch of the White House Cancels Trip Due To Rain

Nov 11th 2018

Donald Trump, resident “Wicked Witch of the White House” canceled a scheduled trip to a World War I memorial at a US Cemetary in France this morning, citing the tragic death of his beloved cousin Margaret Hamilton in 1939, when she was doused with water and “literally melted.”

Apparently rain is the one thing that does stick to the president, like some kind of Hydro-Napalm, which is why he avoids it at all costs. While publicly Sarah “Tell-Me-Lies-Tell-Me-Sweet-Little-Lies” Huckabee-Sanders said that the trip was canceled due to safety concerns in the inclement weather, Ben Rhodes, former advisor for the Obama administration tweeted that was pretty much bullshit.

“I helped plan all of President Obama’s trips for 8 years. There is always a rain option. Always.”

Not for Trump. Don Schlefler, head psychologist to the White House Counsel, shares: “The President is very, well– what you might call Nazi-eqsue about the water he touches. He won’t drink it at all unless it has been blessed by some special church in New Jersey. He won’t do pools, insists on his own private bathroom, and has never, not even once, attended a wet t-shirt contest. I’m not surprised at all that he would cancel a trip because of some rain” Could this be the reason he had so much trouble with that water bottle last year? Perhaps. “He’s very afraid of water. Almost like he has rabies.” Which would explain a lot.

Dorothy, another close source to the White House, tells ATOL that in addition to avoiding water, The Lawbreaker apparently prefers locations that remind him of his true home, back in the fiery pits of Hell. “This is why he’s been playing golf and spending so much time at Mar-A-Lago,” she says “He likes to stay where it’s nice and warm and avoids water. He’s kind of just ‘summering’ here on Earth until Jesus comes back.”