Our infernal correspondent, the demonic Marquis Marchoisias, always brings us here at AntiTrump the juiciest of tidbits (and entrails), and this week is no exception. Being able to change his form at will, Marchoisias is of course is able to freely roam about the poshest of locations and collect information us mere mortals are not privy to.
This week, he’s been in New York City, really painting the town red. And then giving us the gossip in his free time. As the New York Times first reported Friday, July 20, the Anti-Christ’s lawyer for human affairs for nearly a decade, Michael Cohen, secretly recorded a conversation between himself and The Son of Perdition. In the conversation, the two discussed payments to Karen McDougal, a former Playboy human model who says she had a 10-month affair with Trump beginning in 2006. The FBI is now in possession of the recording of that conversation after its April 9 raid of Cohen’s office.
Speaking to human newsman George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s “This Week” on Sunday, lawyer Michael Avenatti — a human representing representing adult human film actress Stormy Daniels in an entirely different sex-and-money case against the president of the United States of America — said there were more tapes, and he knew the “substance” of them. Avenatti claims to have spoken to Cohen, but of course we are not here to rehash old tales of the Little Horn’s exploits. We are here for tasty new developments.
Marchoisias informed us that not only he has heard all of the recordings Cohen may or may not have made about potential and possible affairs and payments, but he has had the exclusive chance to play those recordings backward.
It may not look like much, but this record player is responsible for the deaths of over 800,000 people. Yes, that is red velvet.
This method, of course, has been a well-known Satanic standby for decades, so its use here should come to know surprise to the followers of The Man of Sin. Marchoisias insisted he could not under any circumstances repeat what was on the regular recording, citing a general agreement to abide by human legal customs whilst visiting from Downstairs, but said he had no such compunction about the backward version. So, he provided us this transcript. As usual, please excuse any typos, as they were likely caused by flecks of gristle and offal obscuring several letters.
It is as follows:
*sounds of goats bleating and crows cawing in unison, followed by someone clearing their throat for an excessively long period*
Male voice with a vaguely New York accent and a slight orange tint to it: Hail Satan, Hail Trump, Hail victory (repeated six times). Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe! NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE ANTI-CHRIST AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER DEMONS THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!
*sound of person drinking from a bottle of water, perhaps using two hands*
Male voice: I had a great meeting with Satan and the Fake News used every bit of their energy to try and disparage it. So bad for our country!
*13 seconds of microphone feedback*
Male voice: Demon hunt rigged, a scam! Illegal scam!
*sound of iPhone keyboard buttons being pressed*
Male voice: Inconceivable that the government would break into a lawyer’s office early in the morning, almost unheard of. Even more inconceivable that a lawyer would tape a client, totally unheard of and perhaps illegal. The good news is that your favorite Anti-Christ did nothing wrong!
*sound of someone cutting into either a steak or a hockey puck*
Male voice: I got severely criticized by the Fake News Media for being too nice to Satan. In the old days they would call it diplomacy. If I was loud and vicious, I would have been criticized for being too tough. Remember when they said I was too tough with Demon Kim? Hypocrites!
*sound of goats, accompanied by sounds of something, perhaps tanning lotion, being sprayed, for 66 seconds until recording ends*
So there you have it.
Not a terribly long message, but no doubt an important one to those of us keeping an eye on whatever hot takes The Lawless One has to offer. Don’t forget to share and comment on this article, and stayed tuned as we consult our Ouija boards and bird droppings for further details.